Tamara Unleashed

My departure from the NIDDK in 2021 was less than smooth but I really didn’t expect hostile behavior on their part. The best example is that within a few weeks after my official departure date, I was invited to participate in a author phone call for a manuscript based on work done by the PLUS research consortium that I had initiated and led for over 5 years. On the call, I was immediately informed that this call was an official PLUS call and I had to leave it immediately which I did.

The very next day I received and email from the NIDDK Ethics officer requesting a Zoom Call to review the rules associated with departure from the government which I well knew. Being on a phone call to discuss the manuscript of work already completed hardly needed to be an ethics violation but the person that replaced me was apparently very threatened.

I declined the invitation – left off the Fuck You!!!! and never participated in another phone call about anything regarding the NIDDK. I grieved for months over the loss of what could have been with the PLUS Research Consortium if my boss had not been such a fucking bully.

In September of 2022, 18 months after I left NIDDK, there was a box outside of my door. I initially thought it was the delivery of the dog food I was expecting for Carli, but it was not heavy enough. When I opened it, there was a 2022 NIDDK Directors Award glass trophy.

There was no letter explaining this in the box. My first response to this was that I was being punked or this was a cruel joke. I went to the NIDDK website to see if there were any postings about the NIDDK Employee Appreciation awards which happened every fall. Nothing. I went back through my emails to see if I had ignored something that might offer an explanation. Nothing.

I received a few other of these trophies for group acknowledgement of primarily administrative and didn’t really mean that much. In my post-retirement grieving process I had broken off of the others in the dumpster one afternoon.

I had deserved recognition from the institute for leading the PLUS Research Consortium to forming a team with a shared vision and commitment to building a new area of science in a new way but it never happened. This group of scientists had delivered in a way no other group had done yet. It was remarkable and everyone who was a part of it or observed it, knew it – except leadership.

While I have no idea if that is what the award is for, I have not destroyed it and will believe that it is the long overdue recognition of all that it took from me personally (with the support of many, many others) to keep the PLUS group moving forward.

However, the emotions it stirred up when it arrived almost made me wish I had never received it. Surely there would have been time for someone to send a letter of explanation. BUT in case it was not for PLUS or was somehow a mistake, my own explanation stands – it is for PLUS.

Match Man shared this with me. It was shared with him by one of his songwriting buddies, It appears that this is framed on his wall and you almost see his reflection as he snapped the picture.

Under the reflection you see that Falon was in the 6th grade when she wrote this. WOW

Last November when visiting college friend Deb, she served a homemade apple pie for dinner and the combination of the texture of the crust and the “flavor/texture” of the filling gave me a “happy mouth”. I realized that while I grew up baking cookies, cakes and brownies, I had never advanced to making a pie crust. So I decided I wanted to learn to make a good pie crust. So to make sure I would not forget, we went out and bought a appropriate size bowl and a the utensil to cut butter into flour. Deb gifted me her old rolling pin. I made a pie crust in her kitchen to learn the basic techniques.

Two weeks later in Nashville, I had all my ingredients gathered and was ready to make my pie crust and apple pie. It took 3 trips to the grocery store to have it all – the last trip for the apples.

Deb provided support from Iowa. I texted her pictures and we spoke as I went through the process.

I made a apple and a pear pie and they looked pretty good for my first solo outing. I was having dinner with Danny and Brent that night so I took both pies with me for them to try. They each ate a small piece of each and said they were good. I had hoped to leave some each with them but they declined because of the upcoming holidays My next stop was James and Natalie’s showing off my prizes. They are both very disciplined eaters and I knew they wouldn’t want to eat much but hoped to be able to leave some behind. They each had the smallest pieces possible, said they were yummy but declined to keep any. It was then I found out that Natalie was gluten insensitive.

I returned home with 1 and 2/3 pies which was not what I wanted. I had friends over twice for meals in the next few days and by the end of the week I had gradually worked my way through both pies. The next weekend I tackled making crust with gluten free flour. The gluten-free flour was not as easy to work with but the apple pice for Christmas meal turned out well enough.

I also decided to make pecan pie mini-pies using a mini-muffin tins. Perhaps people would be more interested in bite size pieces. I also made a quiche with the last of the dough.

It took a fair amount of time to get rid of all of the baking from my second batch of baked goods.I couldn’t keep making pie crusts if no one but me would eat it. It didn’t give me enough pleasure for the calories. I haven’t made anymore crusts.

One of the questions I asked “Match Dude” the other day when we decided to meet at his place tomorrow was if he liked pie. It happens that he loves apple pie. So today, on this last day before we actually meet, I will be making pie crusts for an apple pie, a quiche and a few mini pecan pies. Deb will be on stand-by from 11-1 to provide any support that I need. It will be a great distraction from the building anticipation of what it will feel like to be in the presence of Match Dude. Will our dogs get along?

Last night, we spoke about what in each other’s Match profiles initially got our attention. Having indicated being Liberal was at the top for both of us – pretty uncommon in the Nashville area Match “hopefuls”. Second for me was that he exercised 3-4 times per week and second for him was that I was 420 “friendly”. I had to first look up what it meant. While I have rarely used pot, I am fine with it and wish it didn’t cough so much when I inhale. In addition he had some nice photos of himself, his rural property and his dog. Mostly I was drawn to his personal statement – not just what he said but how he said it.

On the surface, we are a very unlikely match. Fortunately, we quickly discovered the threads of a possible relationship and let them these threads emerge through many, many communications over the past 2 weeks. One of the first threads that we were able to weave together is that we both had rural backgrounds – his in Western Kansas and mine in Iowa. We neither one lived on farms but both sets of grandparents did. Our summers were often spent with our grandparents.

We share a love of Harry Chapin’s music – perhaps we are “writing a love song”. The best part of starting a relationship at this stage of life, is that it doesn’t need to be anything but FUN. We can “let time go lightly”.

Perhaps this is the final stage of being “unleashed” for me – from the grief and regret of love that could not be sustained to a take a chance on a new relationship that can evolve into a loving partnership sustained by mutual respect, admiration and fun.

A friend recommended this movie today based on reading about it and a recommendation from her friend. I went to see it essentially knowing very little about it except it the movie was about child sex trafficking and there was some concern about some concern about the movie and QAnon. It apparently was made by Disney but then shelved for 5 years.

The movie was directed by Alejandro Gómez Monteverde. I was uncomfortable and slightly nauseous during most of the movie. In spite of that I would recommend going with someone and taking tissues. It is based on a true story. I was amazed by how raw and real the movie was while not explicating showing a child being sexually abused. The goal of the movie is to raise awareness about this booming industry. Child trafficking is a a bigger “industry” than drugs globally. You can see drugs once but you can sell a child for sex multiple times per day.

On a lighter note, I had my first bike ride today in Nashville. It was 80 degrees with 80% humidity at 8 AM. We rode about 9 miles and I was in Percy Warner Park for the first time. I had heard there were some challenging hills. I went up a couple of the less challenging hills today and decided it was not the day for more challenging hills. Mary lives in a part of Nashville that allows safe bike routes from her home.

I am continuing to get to know my Match dude virtually. Such wonderful long conversations. The relationship so far has been very FUN. We will finally get together on Sunday.

Tomorrow is another Habitat day of doing the work without volunteers. Such fun!!

While my first 10 days on Match.com was anything but satisfying – suggested matches were over 80, conservative men for the most part, it turned around on June 26th. One of the many men that I indicated interest in responded to my initial message and we started a very tentative text conversation on Match.com. I was doing my best to try to make sure he was who he said you was. I was drawn to his personal message on Match when I liked him and he continued to communicate very well in writing. His Match subscription ended at midnight on July 2nd. I was pretty sure he was who he said he was at that point so we exchanged email addresses and phone numbers a couple of days later. He is a singing cowboy whose parents came from Western Kansas. He spent his summers herding cattle. He moved from Prescott AZ to Nashville 10 years ago to be in the creative music environment surrounding Nashville.

He is recovering from surgery so we have not met yet but we have shared a lot via text, email, phone and FaceTime. I am having fun with this opportunity to get to know someone “virtually” – discovering commonalities and differences and interesting coincidences. Time will tell.

Last Friday was a Supervisor on Site (SOS) only day at Habitat which means we did the work and did not need to supervise volunteers. There are my favorite days as I learn the best by doing. I learned to hang doors that are already in their frames. Important lesson. – make sure you are installing the doors in the right place because the process of moving them is not very satisfying. Fortunately, this was not my mistake and I learned a lot. The temperature was in the 80’s but so was the humidity. I managed to stay hydrated enough that I was able to go from Habitat to my standing strength training session without any problems. My Tshirt (which says Gumbo is one I got at Goodwill so I could just cut the sleeves off.) It was so wet after 4 hours that I could almost wring it out. I can’t wait to go back this Friday.

My bike is ready to ride after a new inner tube and chain. I also had them drop my handle bars down a bit which will hopefully help increase my riding efficiency. My first ride will be Thursday morning with a friend.

Tennessee law allows insurance companies to not pay Personal Liability unless the insured person is actually at fault so I will have to file for the water damage under my home owners. I am having my furniture building mentor Harry come over Wednesday to look at the damage and my floor and give me his opinion about the likelihood that sanding and refinishing the floor will look good (restore my place to the condition it was before the water damage). I think that is what Traveler’s will want to do but I am not convinced it will look OK after it is done. There is only so many ways I want to get screwed on this.

Stay tuned.

While I was on the cruise to Hawaii, I started renovations on my bathrooms so I had workers in and out of my condo. On March 29th, the workers found water on the floors from my upstairs neighbor’s water heater. I didn’t find out about it for a few days but the contractors contacted the neighbor which likely really limited the damage to my place. The contractors said the neighbor’s insurance should cover the damage and that I should be “restored” to the condition prior to the water leak. If only this were true and straightforward.

The contractors worked up an estimate. My floors are hardwood and while they are in reasonably good shape, they have been sanded and sealed before. The area of damage is not huge. I naively thought you could just remove the damaged wood and replace. The damage is in the hallway which is continuous with living room and dining room. It would all need to be sanded, stained and sealed or replaced. The contractors recommended replacement because once it is sanded, there may be grooves between the boards which will collect dirt.

It took about a month to get the estimate from the contractors. My neighbor submitted it to his insurance on his liability policy. It was denied by Travelers because he did nothing wrong. His maintained his water heater so there was no negligence on his part and therefore the liability would not pay. WHAT?????

I also have Travelers Home Owner insurance and after a conversation with my agent, I started the process to file a claim, but did not complete the filing because I have a $1600 deductible and my rates will go up and I DID NOT CAUSE THIS problem. I called my agent and said she needed to communicate with the people who did the denial and get this sorted out or send the the name and number of someone higher up to discuss this denial with. I consulted with a friend who has been in the insurance business for decades and he said my neighbor’s policy should cover it. Since we are both covered by Travelers and my policy has a deductible and his doesn’t, it is in their interest to have it on my policy.

My agent told me that she investigated and thought they had done everything they could to get it covered on my neighbor’s policy. She advised that I finish filing the claim but said I could take to the supervisor of the woman who made the denial and consider filing a grievance with the State of TN insurance office.

I am waiting for her to give me the name of the person to speak with. As much as I HATE this kind of complexity in my life, I am NOT “sucking this one up”.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Leaving DC this morning is bittersweet. My week included abundance of everything I loved about DC without any of the things that I found toxic. I have no regrets about my decision to relocate to Nashville. It is just wonderful to know that visits to DC are just a short plane ride away and a bicycle and friends await me when I come back.

This morning, I helped Mary get her Ostrich Clara ready for the 4th of July. Clara is pretty heavy and it takes two to change her footwear. She now has her flip-flops on.

I had a great bike ride yesterday. We rode north along Beach Drive on the roads I traveled many times trying to get enough miles in to get ready for my Natchez Trace ride. We rode up to where I used to live and I was able to make it up the hill south of my building that I had never been able to make it up before. I got much better at riding slowly in my easiest gear up long climbs. Shorter climbs I like to power through but I don’t have the air to sustain that for long climbs. The air quality was poor in DC, but it did not seem to bother my lungs at all. I have to make a change in my bike situation – just not sure what direction to go. My bike is too heavy and I don’t have enough gears. Time for a consult with my biking gurus – Jean and Pat.

Last night we had a great dinner with friends from Pfizer days who live in DC. We had a fabulous meal at Seasons 52. It seems like I am taste has improved but time will tell. I do need to do more variety at home.

Match.com update. After 2 weeks, I have run out of men to look at that even come close (not conservative). I have had a text conversation with a man who lives in a rural area north Nashville 45-60 minutes. I think he is who he says he is but there is not way to tell without meeting in person. I think we will get together for coffee after he returns from a camping get-away. In the meantime, I am going to revise my profile a bit. It may have been a bit too straight-forward and I can soften it a bit and still be truthful.

Two more wonderful days in DC/Bethesda. One more day before I return home and more wonder friends to spend time with tomorrow plus another bike ride.

Today I got to spend time with KP, the man who got me started with strength training 6 years ago. I worked with him 2-5 times per week for 3 years until Covid hit. He was the perfect person for me – fun with lots of stories to distract. In the past 3 years, he went back to college and just graduated on Mother’s Day. I am so proud of his ability to get his degree while working 2 different jobs.

Two years ago when I was on my 6 week car trip I met Paco and Semi when they lived in DC. They now live in Bethesda and they seemed to remember me when I dropped by for dinner. Paco (wearing white) gives such gentle little licks and Sumi loves to play tug of war.

Last night we grilled salmon and sat on the back patio until well after dark. The temperature was perfect. It reminded me of evenings on our deck in Seattle. Lively conversation with food and wine.

On the wine tasting tour in Provence, Francois showed us the correct way to decork a bottle of wine and create a holder for the cork. The first bottle I tried it on did not work but the second one, I got it right. The foil was not quite as neat as his, but it worked.

Can’t wait for tomorrow.

When I embarked on my journey to form the Prevention of Lower Urinary Tract Symptoms (PLUS) Research Consortium in 2015, I was introduced to a woman, a MD/PhD in Preventive Medicine with a huge amount of experience in prevention of heart disease. We met a few times and she “schooled” me on the basics of prevention research and it was clear I had much to learn. Our personalities were very different. She was approached things as an epidemiologist/scientist and I approached things as a clinician/surgeon. With a few million dollars and 50 scientists to lead, I could only think of one person that I thought could be help me lead this group, and it was her. I asked her to come out of retirement to be the Steering Committee Chair (SCC)

Unbeknownst to me, she had received a diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease several years earlier. She was well controlled at the time, but work stress was a challenge for her. I was thrilled when she agreed. She lived near me and we would have phone calls and meet weekly at a coffee shop to discuss everything.

The first year of PLUS was “somewhat controlled” chaos and I was constantly on the phone with the SCC trying to figure out how to manage the current crisis. She was my security blanket as we forged the development of a new area of science – bladder health and prevention of bladder conditions in women. I think we were both surprised at what a monumental task to get 50 researchers to align behind the need to build a good scientific foundation before doing a study.

Somewhere along these months she shared with me that she had Parkinson’s disease and that the in-person meetings every 3 months were causing her stress. We tried some mitigating tactics. I appoint a SC Co-Chair and while helpful, after a year and a half, she decided it was just too stressful for her. I supported her in her decision to take care of herself, absolutely. No one in PLUS aside from me knew about the Parkinson’s disease. I missed her support and guidance immensely but knew she made the right decision and she had gotten the group headed in the right direction. This was 2016. During the time while we were often violently disagreeing we formed a friendship.

Our spouses had both been military pilots in the Vietnam War era. We began to have dinners and do movies and they shared their beach home with us. I decided to start cycling in 2017 and her husband was cycling at the time because his knee did not tolerate his first love – squash. He became my cycling partner. He is stronger cyclist than I am. He has always been very patient as my strength and endurance built and we have had some wonderful rides around DC and some organized longer rides.

We had a great ride again today. I always try to get a photo with each trip. Today we stopped in from of this beautiful mosque on Massachusetts Avenue.

The Parkinson’s disease has progressed rapidly over. the past 3 years since I left DC. It is a cruel disease and seeing my friend suffer so much with not only the movement aspects of the disease but with severe anxiety is heartbreaking. A marriage of equals for 42 years – both using hyphenated last names; raising 2 children with shared household and parenting responsibilities, has evolved out of necessity to a caregiver and dependent relationship. No one wants this but there is no other option. She is at Stage 4 out of 5 for Parkinson’s disease. It seems to be progressing rapidly in spite of great medical care and detailed attention to her medication. Her manifestations are anxiety and intermittent cognitive impairment.

.I had dinner with them tonight. I used the opportunity to tell her how much I loved her and how important she had been to laying the foundation for PLUS. I could not have survived the turbulence of the first year and a half without her counsel.

If you haven’t watched Micheal J. Fox’s documentary, “Still” about his journey with Parkinson’s disease, you should.

Life is not fair!!!!

It was a great day in DC yesterday. Weather was iffy because of intermittent hard rain but I managed to always be inside for the worst of it. I had a 10-12 mile bike ride with Bruce with a couple of long hills which I was able to do pretty easily on his lighter bike – even without full range of gears. We rode in thunder and wind but we got in just before the downpour. I don’t mind the sweating with Habitat and cycling. I have got to cycle more in Nashville.

I then went to Crate and Barrel with friend to look at furniture options for her new condo. I used the opportunity to think through what I want to do with my living room once I get my grandparents dining room table and chairs. My layout is limited because of needing clearance for the door to the deck that swings in. I think I will do a chaise for Carli and I to watch TV on and then I found the great chair that I would actually consider paying Crate and Barrel prices for. This chaise has full storage under it – huge bonus. I am pretty sure I can find something similar that is not quite so expensive.

We then went to have dinner at Maggiano’s which has a killer eggplant Parmesan. We had eaten there many times before when I lived here. I tried to prepare myself for the letdown I might feel with diminished taste, but it was great. There was enough flavor from the bread and oil, salad and marino combined with the wonderful textures that it was almost a full dining experience.

We then went International wine shopping at Trader Joes and found a French, Spanish and my favorite wine label of all times from Portugal. The French labels are soooooo boring.

Got to get ready for another ride. My hand was a bit sore riding without the brace so I wore it for the second half. I had no pain when I was finished so I think I am ready to ride when I get back to Nashville.