Tamara Unleashed

When I (let’s be honest, rather Danny), created my Match.com profile, I was looking for a playmate who cycled. I was not looking to upend the life that I have built over the past few years. What appears to be in front of me is something way more than I thought I was looking for. I started with “see who is out there” on my profile. Match Dude (MD) had “start a serious relationship”. Most of the men were looking to “start a serious relationship”. In my mind, you can’t start a serious relationship without “playing” so I felt OK with this discrepency. In addition, there would have been exactly zero possible matches if I eliminated all men looking for a serious relationship.

He shared his last name first and I did try to Google him and did not find anything. He was also not on FB. These helped feed my concern that he night not be who he said he was but I chose to set it aside. I subsequently learned that Craig is his middle name. He found me online without the benefit of my last name so I knew he was computer-savvy – a positive. He was very concerned about the differences in our education backgrounds. He wrote beautifully, communicated with insightfulness, curiosity and humor so I knew he was intelligent which is all that mattered to me. He gave me an easy out but I was determined to have a cup of coffee. After a week of interacting with individuals who were either fake or not who they were portraying themselves to be, I wanted to meet someone real.

When I did not want to back away, he seemed to “lean in” a bit and our communications became less superficial. I was still not 100% convinced he was who he said he was, but I couldn’t find any inconsistencies to feed that fear so I leaned in a bit harder as well. On July 2nd as we were approaching midnight when his Match subscription expired, he shared his email address. I quickly fired off an email to establish connection outside of Match and it did not go through right away. I felt a bit frantic. At 11:59 PM I fired off another email and sent one last message through Match with my email address. That is when I knew I wanted it to be more than a cup of coffee. Obviously connection was made.

He asked me what my Myers-Briggs personality profile was. I was impressed he knew about Myers-Briggs. Amazingly we are both INFP –

“INFP stands for introverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving. As such, this personality type often results in a quieter, more reserved person, with a significant emotional world but a “go-with-the-flow” kind of attitude. INFPs are among the rarest types, at around 1% of the population, These rare personality types tend to be quiet, open-minded, and imaginative, and they apply a caring and creative approach to everything they do.

This may in part explain our immediate comfort in each others presence. MD is more traditionally creative – songwriting, woodworking, metal work etc. I am very creative in my approach to problem solving. The nurse practitioner I worked with for several years in Seattle came out of an exam room and said to me something like, “your really are an artist with the patients.” I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it in the moment, but I then I realized that I viewed each patient as a very messy canvas that had to be “deconstructed” and understood in order to jointly create a path to wellness creating a new canvas.

In our lives, MD and I have both demonstrated in numerous ways that we are more highly motivated to look out for others more than ourselves. We will have to be very mindful of this. I would assume there is guidance for relationships between INFPs which we may need to explore at some point. For now I am content to just let our relationship unfold on its own.

What I was looking for was a playmate. What I have found is something so much more. While our physical attraction is strong, it is not dominating. Our conversations, our comfort and joy in being in each others presence and ability to laugh at ourselves and with each other dominates for me. These feel like the best building blocks for a relationship that we can choose to be in each and every day,

I am in wonder of our unfolding relationship story.

Spending time in the presence of someone I am so comfortable with is such a joy. Match Dude has been pleasantly surprised by how “rural” feeling my “city” place is. His dog Buckley is coming for a visit today. Buckley spends much of his time at The Garden outdoors with an electric fence or in an outdoor pen. Hopefully we can create suitable space for him.

It has been fun to have someone to cook for. I have never been serenaded with music while preparing meals before. I rather like cooking for someone who is very appreciative of what I prepare and the music in the background.

It appeared Carli has really taken to Craig. Shortly after he arrived, I looked up and found Carli on the couch next to him. More interesting is that she did not attack his shoes or get upset when he went down the hall to the bathroom as she has with every other visitor. This morning she was barking in her kennel early and demanding attention. She went after his shoes as he left this morning – more of her typical behavior. Perhaps she did not want him to leave. It will be interesting to see how she tolerates sharing my attention. Craig is not really a small dog person and I am appreciative that he is being patient with Carli and her antics.

We are both looking forward to the post- op activity restrictions being lifted so that we can begin spending more time being active.

In the meantime, we will enjoy every minute of our time together and be grateful to Match.com. We never would have discovered each other without it.

While I was driving through the 5 miles of rural Tennessee between the interstate and The Garden, I was transported back in time as I drove by a field of very tall, good looking corn. It looked every bit as good as corn grown in Iowa – which is not supposed to be possible. I recalled climbing the stairs of the Washington Monument on a high school band trip singing the Iowa State song – “That’s where the tall corn grows”. The closer I got the more comfortable became with the sense that The Garden was going to feel a bit like “home”. I was not wrong.

Nine very comfortable hours later, I drove home. Match Dude is who I thought he would be from our extensive communication over the 2 weeks before we “met”. He is kind and caring. We never ran out of things to talk about. We sat on but back porch until my first mosquito bite. I doused myself in OFF and we walked around The Garden with The Magical Forest on the other side of the fence line. He sang some songs for me. We ate apple pie before the quiche. Both seemed to please him a great deal. I do think I appreciated more flavor from the apple pie than I did last December so perhaps I am getting a bit more taste back.

I was as close to being my authentic self as I could possibly be in this circumstance and I think he was too. There was mutual appreciation and attraction. Check and check.

We introduced Buckley and Carli. Buckley has an outdoor pen and we gave them a chance to interact through the fence. As I predicted, Carli was very aloof but then got a little curious. Buckley wanted to get out and play. Buckley is quite a bit bigger than Brady and interaction seemed similar to Carli and Brady’s. Buckley’s tail was wagging the entire time – Carli’s tail started to relax towards the end – not a full wagging but not tucked. I think they will find a playful interaction with time.

The ONLY thing that was different from our easy phone communication was his hearing loss (from “riding a machine gun” fora year in Vietnam) was more noticeable – particularly with background music. I brought it up. We should not attempt serious conversations with loud background music. He will need to let me know when he did not hear everything clearly to avoid inadvertent miscommunication. Speaking louder does not necessarily help as sometimes words are just muffled

He is coming to Nashville on Tuesday for an appointment. He will drop by and see my place. I think he will be pleasantly surprised by how quiet it is here. Not rural but not like being in a city.

This is the only picture that I took yesterday. I stopped after I turned into the driveway – I sensed the day was going to be significant.

We are both mindful that there will be challenges ahead but yesterday was a great start.

P.S. – while there will be some challenging hills, it looks like there will be safe cycling from his place.

Here is the apple pie and pecan tart things. Things went pretty much according to plan except that I forgot to protect the edges of the pie so it go a little brown.

This morning I blind baked the crust for the quiche with pie weights and it went great. I sautéed shrimp onion, spinach and mushrooms and made the quiche. Part way through baking it I realized I had not put in the cheese. So I think I have made something between a quiche and frittata. I added shredded cheese to the top.

So Carli and I are off to visit Craig in The Garden – which is how he refers to his 2 acres.

My departure from the NIDDK in 2021 was less than smooth but I really didn’t expect hostile behavior on their part. The best example is that within a few weeks after my official departure date, I was invited to participate in a author phone call for a manuscript based on work done by the PLUS research consortium that I had initiated and led for over 5 years. On the call, I was immediately informed that this call was an official PLUS call and I had to leave it immediately which I did.

The very next day I received and email from the NIDDK Ethics officer requesting a Zoom Call to review the rules associated with departure from the government which I well knew. Being on a phone call to discuss the manuscript of work already completed hardly needed to be an ethics violation but the person that replaced me was apparently very threatened.

I declined the invitation – left off the Fuck You!!!! and never participated in another phone call about anything regarding the NIDDK. I grieved for months over the loss of what could have been with the PLUS Research Consortium if my boss had not been such a fucking bully.

In September of 2022, 18 months after I left NIDDK, there was a box outside of my door. I initially thought it was the delivery of the dog food I was expecting for Carli, but it was not heavy enough. When I opened it, there was a 2022 NIDDK Directors Award glass trophy.

There was no letter explaining this in the box. My first response to this was that I was being punked or this was a cruel joke. I went to the NIDDK website to see if there were any postings about the NIDDK Employee Appreciation awards which happened every fall. Nothing. I went back through my emails to see if I had ignored something that might offer an explanation. Nothing.

I received a few other of these trophies for group acknowledgement of primarily administrative and didn’t really mean that much. In my post-retirement grieving process I had broken off of the others in the dumpster one afternoon.

I had deserved recognition from the institute for leading the PLUS Research Consortium to forming a team with a shared vision and commitment to building a new area of science in a new way but it never happened. This group of scientists had delivered in a way no other group had done yet. It was remarkable and everyone who was a part of it or observed it, knew it – except leadership.

While I have no idea if that is what the award is for, I have not destroyed it and will believe that it is the long overdue recognition of all that it took from me personally (with the support of many, many others) to keep the PLUS group moving forward.

However, the emotions it stirred up when it arrived almost made me wish I had never received it. Surely there would have been time for someone to send a letter of explanation. BUT in case it was not for PLUS or was somehow a mistake, my own explanation stands – it is for PLUS.

Match Man shared this with me. It was shared with him by one of his songwriting buddies, It appears that this is framed on his wall and you almost see his reflection as he snapped the picture.

Under the reflection you see that Falon was in the 6th grade when she wrote this. WOW

Last November when visiting college friend Deb, she served a homemade apple pie for dinner and the combination of the texture of the crust and the “flavor/texture” of the filling gave me a “happy mouth”. I realized that while I grew up baking cookies, cakes and brownies, I had never advanced to making a pie crust. So I decided I wanted to learn to make a good pie crust. So to make sure I would not forget, we went out and bought a appropriate size bowl and a the utensil to cut butter into flour. Deb gifted me her old rolling pin. I made a pie crust in her kitchen to learn the basic techniques.

Two weeks later in Nashville, I had all my ingredients gathered and was ready to make my pie crust and apple pie. It took 3 trips to the grocery store to have it all – the last trip for the apples.

Deb provided support from Iowa. I texted her pictures and we spoke as I went through the process.

I made a apple and a pear pie and they looked pretty good for my first solo outing. I was having dinner with Danny and Brent that night so I took both pies with me for them to try. They each ate a small piece of each and said they were good. I had hoped to leave some each with them but they declined because of the upcoming holidays My next stop was James and Natalie’s showing off my prizes. They are both very disciplined eaters and I knew they wouldn’t want to eat much but hoped to be able to leave some behind. They each had the smallest pieces possible, said they were yummy but declined to keep any. It was then I found out that Natalie was gluten insensitive.

I returned home with 1 and 2/3 pies which was not what I wanted. I had friends over twice for meals in the next few days and by the end of the week I had gradually worked my way through both pies. The next weekend I tackled making crust with gluten free flour. The gluten-free flour was not as easy to work with but the apple pice for Christmas meal turned out well enough.

I also decided to make pecan pie mini-pies using a mini-muffin tins. Perhaps people would be more interested in bite size pieces. I also made a quiche with the last of the dough.

It took a fair amount of time to get rid of all of the baking from my second batch of baked goods.I couldn’t keep making pie crusts if no one but me would eat it. It didn’t give me enough pleasure for the calories. I haven’t made anymore crusts.

One of the questions I asked “Match Dude” the other day when we decided to meet at his place tomorrow was if he liked pie. It happens that he loves apple pie. So today, on this last day before we actually meet, I will be making pie crusts for an apple pie, a quiche and a few mini pecan pies. Deb will be on stand-by from 11-1 to provide any support that I need. It will be a great distraction from the building anticipation of what it will feel like to be in the presence of Match Dude. Will our dogs get along?

Last night, we spoke about what in each other’s Match profiles initially got our attention. Having indicated being Liberal was at the top for both of us – pretty uncommon in the Nashville area Match “hopefuls”. Second for me was that he exercised 3-4 times per week and second for him was that I was 420 “friendly”. I had to first look up what it meant. While I have rarely used pot, I am fine with it and wish it didn’t cough so much when I inhale. In addition he had some nice photos of himself, his rural property and his dog. Mostly I was drawn to his personal statement – not just what he said but how he said it.

On the surface, we are a very unlikely match. Fortunately, we quickly discovered the threads of a possible relationship and let them these threads emerge through many, many communications over the past 2 weeks. One of the first threads that we were able to weave together is that we both had rural backgrounds – his in Western Kansas and mine in Iowa. We neither one lived on farms but both sets of grandparents did. Our summers were often spent with our grandparents.

We share a love of Harry Chapin’s music – perhaps we are “writing a love song”. The best part of starting a relationship at this stage of life, is that it doesn’t need to be anything but FUN. We can “let time go lightly”.

Perhaps this is the final stage of being “unleashed” for me – from the grief and regret of love that could not be sustained to a take a chance on a new relationship that can evolve into a loving partnership sustained by mutual respect, admiration and fun.

A friend recommended this movie today based on reading about it and a recommendation from her friend. I went to see it essentially knowing very little about it except it the movie was about child sex trafficking and there was some concern about some concern about the movie and QAnon. It apparently was made by Disney but then shelved for 5 years.

The movie was directed by Alejandro Gómez Monteverde. I was uncomfortable and slightly nauseous during most of the movie. In spite of that I would recommend going with someone and taking tissues. It is based on a true story. I was amazed by how raw and real the movie was while not explicating showing a child being sexually abused. The goal of the movie is to raise awareness about this booming industry. Child trafficking is a a bigger “industry” than drugs globally. You can see drugs once but you can sell a child for sex multiple times per day.

On a lighter note, I had my first bike ride today in Nashville. It was 80 degrees with 80% humidity at 8 AM. We rode about 9 miles and I was in Percy Warner Park for the first time. I had heard there were some challenging hills. I went up a couple of the less challenging hills today and decided it was not the day for more challenging hills. Mary lives in a part of Nashville that allows safe bike routes from her home.

I am continuing to get to know my Match dude virtually. Such wonderful long conversations. The relationship so far has been very FUN. We will finally get together on Sunday.

Tomorrow is another Habitat day of doing the work without volunteers. Such fun!!

While my first 10 days on Match.com was anything but satisfying – suggested matches were over 80, conservative men for the most part, it turned around on June 26th. One of the many men that I indicated interest in responded to my initial message and we started a very tentative text conversation on Match.com. I was doing my best to try to make sure he was who he said you was. I was drawn to his personal message on Match when I liked him and he continued to communicate very well in writing. His Match subscription ended at midnight on July 2nd. I was pretty sure he was who he said he was at that point so we exchanged email addresses and phone numbers a couple of days later. He is a singing cowboy whose parents came from Western Kansas. He spent his summers herding cattle. He moved from Prescott AZ to Nashville 10 years ago to be in the creative music environment surrounding Nashville.

He is recovering from surgery so we have not met yet but we have shared a lot via text, email, phone and FaceTime. I am having fun with this opportunity to get to know someone “virtually” – discovering commonalities and differences and interesting coincidences. Time will tell.

Last Friday was a Supervisor on Site (SOS) only day at Habitat which means we did the work and did not need to supervise volunteers. There are my favorite days as I learn the best by doing. I learned to hang doors that are already in their frames. Important lesson. – make sure you are installing the doors in the right place because the process of moving them is not very satisfying. Fortunately, this was not my mistake and I learned a lot. The temperature was in the 80’s but so was the humidity. I managed to stay hydrated enough that I was able to go from Habitat to my standing strength training session without any problems. My Tshirt (which says Gumbo is one I got at Goodwill so I could just cut the sleeves off.) It was so wet after 4 hours that I could almost wring it out. I can’t wait to go back this Friday.

My bike is ready to ride after a new inner tube and chain. I also had them drop my handle bars down a bit which will hopefully help increase my riding efficiency. My first ride will be Thursday morning with a friend.

Tennessee law allows insurance companies to not pay Personal Liability unless the insured person is actually at fault so I will have to file for the water damage under my home owners. I am having my furniture building mentor Harry come over Wednesday to look at the damage and my floor and give me his opinion about the likelihood that sanding and refinishing the floor will look good (restore my place to the condition it was before the water damage). I think that is what Traveler’s will want to do but I am not convinced it will look OK after it is done. There is only so many ways I want to get screwed on this.

Stay tuned.

While I was on the cruise to Hawaii, I started renovations on my bathrooms so I had workers in and out of my condo. On March 29th, the workers found water on the floors from my upstairs neighbor’s water heater. I didn’t find out about it for a few days but the contractors contacted the neighbor which likely really limited the damage to my place. The contractors said the neighbor’s insurance should cover the damage and that I should be “restored” to the condition prior to the water leak. If only this were true and straightforward.

The contractors worked up an estimate. My floors are hardwood and while they are in reasonably good shape, they have been sanded and sealed before. The area of damage is not huge. I naively thought you could just remove the damaged wood and replace. The damage is in the hallway which is continuous with living room and dining room. It would all need to be sanded, stained and sealed or replaced. The contractors recommended replacement because once it is sanded, there may be grooves between the boards which will collect dirt.

It took about a month to get the estimate from the contractors. My neighbor submitted it to his insurance on his liability policy. It was denied by Travelers because he did nothing wrong. His maintained his water heater so there was no negligence on his part and therefore the liability would not pay. WHAT?????

I also have Travelers Home Owner insurance and after a conversation with my agent, I started the process to file a claim, but did not complete the filing because I have a $1600 deductible and my rates will go up and I DID NOT CAUSE THIS problem. I called my agent and said she needed to communicate with the people who did the denial and get this sorted out or send the the name and number of someone higher up to discuss this denial with. I consulted with a friend who has been in the insurance business for decades and he said my neighbor’s policy should cover it. Since we are both covered by Travelers and my policy has a deductible and his doesn’t, it is in their interest to have it on my policy.

My agent told me that she investigated and thought they had done everything they could to get it covered on my neighbor’s policy. She advised that I finish filing the claim but said I could take to the supervisor of the woman who made the denial and consider filing a grievance with the State of TN insurance office.

I am waiting for her to give me the name of the person to speak with. As much as I HATE this kind of complexity in my life, I am NOT “sucking this one up”.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?