Tamara Unleashed

I have had Carli for just over 2 years now and there have been many, many times I have questioned my decision to adopt her. She was a great companion and kept be thoroughly entertained and vexed for our first year. As I started to become more socially active I had less time with her which she did not like and I felt bad about. She gradually developed a playful relationship with Brady, my son’s dog where Carli would stay when I was out of town. I could drop her off there for a few hours at a time pretty much whenever I needed to. Like a child, Carli behaves better at my son’s. He kept reminding me that she is a dog and I have gradually gotten better at being the alpha. Carli and I had a good routine going.

A month ago our worlds were rocked with Match Dude and his very playful poodle terrier mix, Buckley. Buckley is much larger than Carli and Brady so his mere presence bothers/scares Carli – even though his has the sweetest disposition and just wants to play.

Craig is a dog owner and I am a dog parent. Prior to Carli, I would have put myself in the category of a dog owner as well so I understand his point of view well. At my place I have to keep the doors to the bedroom closed so she does not use them as her bathroom if I am the slightest distracted. 

Craig’s place is much bigger than mine and it quickly became clear that in spite of ample opportunities out doors to manage her needs, she felt the need to express her feelings about having a new environment by pooping in the bedrooms.

Buckley’s world was upset as well. He was not only having to share his home with a little dog, but his kennel as well. He can sleep outdoors in his pen so Carli would sleep in his indoor kennel which Carli liked. My place is small for Buckley and he cannot really be outside aside from walks. We tried leaving him on my deck for a few hours at a time but that led to a fine from my homeowners association – apparently he is not as quiet when we are not home as he is when we are. The deck abuts a treeline and no one is ever back there so we hoped he would not have things to bark at and could be outdoors which he was used to.

Right before our trip to Iowa, it became clear that management of our dog situation was emerging as the first real complication in our relationship. As my son was out of town the week we were in Iowa Carli was making the trip with us and staying my aunt who really likes Carli and kept her for several days last summer. Since that time, she has said she would have a dog if it were like Carli – a dog who just wants to snuggle up next to you ALL day long with no desire to go on walks or play – Just snuggle and eat. So I approached my aunt about potentially keeping her for longer than a week and seeing if she and Carli could be a good long-term fit. A simple solution to the Carli/Buckley conflict with potentially upsides for Aunt Carol and Carli.

Long story short, the simple solution for me was not the best for Carol so Carli came back to Nashville and we have been faced with figuring out our relationship with our dogs. A quick decision to re-home one or both dogs without a real effort to make it work did not feel like a good thing for our relationship long-term.

This week has been much better – a gate at the bottom of the stairs keeping both dogs from roaming upstairs; a new kennel for Carli at Craig’s and making sure Buckley is in his outdoor pen or inside when Carli goes out to take care of business were simple to implement and it seems to be going better. Carli has not pooped inside the house. Controlling Buckley inside is easier because he cannot get upstairs. Carli does seem to like Buckley’s bigger kennel better and does not like it when Buckley gets in it at night, but she will get used to it as she gets used to this new environment.

The other night there was a split second when the two dogs almost played tug of war so I am hopeful that they can become friends over time. It took Carli a year to develop a relationship with Brady so I think this is going to go faster.

If you ignore the fact that Carli is on my lap and Buckley is lying at my feet it almost looks like they are next to each other. 

Fingers crossed that they will learn to get along..

My mom alway’s signed cards – Dick, Leona and the 5 T’s. Terry, Tamara, Timothy, Troyt and Traci, With Terry’s death we are now 4, Above is Troyt, me, Tim and Traci. My second cousin’s wedding last evening provided the circumstance that I was back in Iowa to say good-bye to Terry and a wonderful opportunity for us to be together with Terry’s wife Karen. After the wedding, we all went to Karen’s home and shared memories for a couple of hours. It was fun. Craig was a quiet observer and even recorded some of it. He came away with a much better understanding of our nuclear family and thought I was very fortunate to have such a great family and friends, I look forward to seeing what he recorded and sharing it with the others,

I always said I was the oldest “responsible” child and now I am simply the oldest sibling. We are all at good places in our lives and we will continue to be there for each other and we will continue to be there for Karen and her children.

The wedding also provided an opportunity for Craig and I to get dressed up for the first time. Fortunately it was not too hot. Craig enjoyed my family and friends and they seemed to have enjoyed him as well. We traveled well together and he was great support for me with the death of my brother as were my wonderful friends, Deb, John, Jody and Mike.

We are back in Nashville. I will fly back to Iowa in 2 weeks for Terry’s funeral service. My contribution to the planning of his funeral service was to suggest the song – “On the road again”. We did share a love for road trips although mine are for pleasure.

This was written on August 11, 2023 .I just found this post in my DRAFTS and not in the PUBLISHED posts although I have a strong deja vu that I posted it. At the risk of a duplicate, I am posting. Terry was the first of 3 deaths of important people in my life over 5 months. Live each day to the fullest!!!!

Terry was my older brother by 14 months. There are many cute pictures of the two of us with each other and with parents. I suppose we got along well enough when we were quite young but our paths diverged pretty quickly after we started elementary school.

He was gifted athletically, I was not. I was focused; he was not. He was very concerned about what others thought about him and led or followed others down paths that got him into trouble time and time again. He and his friends taunted and teased me at home and at school. I worked hard and got good grades; he skated and passed. I went to college; he became a long distance semi-driver which he truly loved. He spent over 15 years on the road for months at a time – living life to the fullest for a young man without attachments. I had a lot of resentment for how much pain he caused my parents. I didn’t need to make any mistakes because he made them all. We had very little in common.

Terry decided to settle down in his mid 30’s – married and had 2 children. He and his family participated in family events. Somewhere in those years, I began to trust Terry and I let my son travel from Iowa to Seattle with him in his 18 wheeler.

Four years ago, Terry was stricken with Hashimoto’s encephalopathy. He ignored symptoms for several months because he was afraid he would have to give up driving his truck. Once he realized he was not going to be able to return to driving his semi, he saw little reason to live. He has been on a steady slide towards his death which happened today. I am glad I was able to be here to say good-bye.

Over the past 25 years we developed a bit of a relationship – forged primarily through our shared enjoyment of Natalie’s and James music and traveling to their performances in and around Iowa. I was driving his car from Kansas City to Des Moines after one of their shows because Terry had driven all night the night before. About half-way through the trip, he told me I was not a half-bad driver – probably the best complement he could have given me.

Terry had a big 60th birthday party because he never thought he would live to be 60 given how “hard” he had lived his young adult years. I celebrated his 60th with him as I was happy that he had survived his adventures and misadventures. Today, I celebrate the father that he was and I am extremely relieved that he is no longer suffering.

Keep on truckin, Terry.

We left Nashville Sunday and made it to Hannibal Missouri. I had been there once before when the band played at a Festival. Without the Festival, it is a pretty depressed town. We arrived with the need for a pipe cleaner. There was a Dollar General across the street from the motel and we arrived at closing without a wallet between the two of us. Craig went back for his wallet while I tried to keep the place open. The young man at the register was very motivated to close so he bought the pipe cleaners for me ($1.09) and closed up before Craig could get back. The next morning we left the kind young man $10 to encourage future acts of kindness.

It was 90 minutes from Hannibal to Mt. Pleasant area where the farms that my parents grew up on are. We drove through Mt. Pleasant – by my elementary school for K-3, past the house I lived in and then out by my father’s farm which looks well cared for; past Beulah Church where my parents were married and I was baptized. It had been converted to a home decades ago, but appeared to have recently burned to the ground. Then down the gravel roads to my mom’s family farm where my parents moved after I graduated from high school and where I spent most of my childhood summers. The farm land was sold separately from the house. Unfortunately the people who bought the house do not invest much time in maintaining the yard. It almost looked abandoned. Across the road from the house new grain storage bins were being constructed by the family that bought the land.

It was a bit sad to see the house in this state.

We then.traveled the back roads to Tipton where I was for 4th and 5th grade and then on to Grand Mound where I lived 6th-12th grade. After my dad’s dad died suddenly when I was in 7th grade we made the trip to the farm every weekend to help support my grandmother for at least a year. It was fun to figure out all the turns through the small towns – Winfield, Columbus City, Columbus Junction, Conesville, Nichols, Moscow and finally Tipton. I found the house we lived in Tipton.

We drove along Hwy 30 to Grand Mound – though a small town every 5 miles – Lowden, Wheatland, Calamus and Grand Mound. Our Grand Mound home had been nicely renovated and the park across the street with the ball diamond where I watched many a ball game with 3 brothers. The park now has tennis courts and is very nice for a small town.

We drove the 5 miles to DeWitt. I rode the school bus from Grand Mound to Dewitt for 7th-12th grade.

For reasons that are not clear, De Witt has remained a very vibrant town of just under 6,000 residents. The Main Street was really upgraded from 50 years ago and the high school has been enlarged and renovated to be an Intermediate School, Junior High and High School.

From there we went to Cedar Rapids to drop Carli off with Aunt Carol for a few days. The friends and family we will be staying with are not dog friendly for one reason or another. Carli stayed with Carol last summer and it went well.

I think Craig appreciated the glimpse this drive drive down provided into my upbringing – or at least he was a gracious travel companion. I decided to eliminate the drive to Decorah to see Luther College because it would have been another 7 hours of car time over 2 days and we were both a bit travel weary.

I was a pretty boring high school student and there were not really any interesting stories to share with Craig. I had a great group of friends that were not inclined to get into trouble. We studied, worked and participated in school events. Once medical school became my goal in 10th grade, I was focused on what I thought it would take to get there. And I stayed focused on school and work until I retired in 2021.

Now is MY time for FUN!!!!

Yesterday I learned about car maintenance – changing oil, the oil filter, the air filter and the cabin filter. Craig has always done his own car maintenance and wanted to do mine before our road trip as it was time. He said he didn’t trust shops and after the experience yesterday, I understand why. I got down under the car and saw how the oil is drained and the oil filter is changed. It is important to fill the oil filter with fresh oil before replacing it.

While changing the air filter under the hood, he discovered that the hose to the throttle had not been fit correctly the last time the air filter was changed. He also wanted to change the cabin air filter which I didn’t even know existed. He had to be quite the contortionist to get his 6’4″ body in a position where he could get his head down in the passenger foot well. He found another piece that had not been installed properly next to the cabin air filter. I promised I would not share the photo of him in this position. I couldn’t believe it was worth all the effort to change this filter, but when he pulled it out, it was pretty dirty. He was right.

I was fascinated by the entire process. I got the car vacuumed out when I was not otherwise able to be helpful. I can’t wait until it was time to do it again so I can see how much I retained. He was able to acquire a used lift for cars so next time we will not have to roll under the car to do the filter change. A few years ago, this is not what I would have considered as post retirement educational activities but the car maintenance and carpentry and handy person activities suites me perfectly. Carli is a big help as well.

Here Carli and I are sliding under the car.

This is what it looked like underneath.

Carli was a good supervisor. She initially was laying on the floor but then she discovered the padded surface to watch from.

I started volunteering at Nashville Tools for Schools in December 2021. For the first 6 months I worked on the bigger school projects and then I was asked to start working with Harry in the “Fine Furniture Department”. Harry was 91y/o at the time and a legend in volunteer carpentry. He helped start the Supervisor on Site role at Habitat and got involved in NTFS early on. Harry lives in a western suburb of Nashville so his commute to the workshop can be 30-60 minute. Mine is 10 min on a bad traffic day. The Fine Furniture Department uses leftover wood from the school projects and donated material to make tables for organizations that are helping people transition from unhoused to housed such as House2Home Nashville.

We build small dining room tables, coffee tables, end tables and bedside tables. No two tables have been the same which has made it more difficult for me to pick up the principles behind what we are doing to the degree that I felt like I could work independently. The table above is constructed of donated laminate flooring glued to 1/2 or 1/4 inch plywood except the shelf which is painted pine. Harry and.I worked together on the top, legs and apron (the wood running horizontally around top of legs). When we finished Monday, all that was left was to screw the apron to the legs and construct and install the shelf. Harry was not able to come in on Tuesday so I decided to see if I could finish the table on my own. When I mentioned my idea to Harry, he thought I would need the assistance of someone else. I decided to try it anyway – knowing I had back up from others in the shop if I needed it.

So I screwed the apron to the legs, made sure the legs were square, by measuring and placing a spacer on the long and short side, measured for the self. Finding a scrap to use for the shelf, I cut it to size, and cut 4 supports to hold the shelf at the correct height for installation. After making sure the shelf fit the space, I ironed on veneer tape to the edges, and stained the edge before painting the surface black (to match the inside of the table legs). I set the shelf in place on the supports breathing a sigh of relief that it still fit with the tape on the edges and secured it with nails and screws. I remembered all of the little nuances of techniques that Harry had shown me except to account for the width of the tape when cutting the shelf..

It was highly satisfying when I stood the table up and it did not wobble. I think it will not be too long before I will be able to design and construct a table on my own.

Harry has been mostly patient with my mistakes along the way and I do learn the most from his ability to fix or work around a problem. I was traveling when we acquired this metal frame to use for a table. In this instance Harry decided to try just glueing the flooring together without gluing it to plywood. The flooring was attached to a frame built around the edge of the metal frame and supported by the unique bridges seen in the photo. . While it worked out, it did not save any time. This is one design we will not repeat.

Harry and I have developed friendly banter while we work – for me this is time extremely well-spent.

Craig and I spent several days together at The Garden. We entertained for the first time, had our second date to an outdoor Singer/Songwriter Festival in Hendersonville, picked out colors for redecorating he was already planning to do, gone shopping in Lowe’s and Harbor Freight and have thoroughly enjoyed the simplicity of spending time together. I continue to enjoying cooking.

This was a pretty inspired brunch on Sunday – vegetable has with eggs over easy and homemade cornbread from masa. Fortunately, he is easy to impress and please with food.

Among his skills is the ability to arrange and maintaining fresh flowers.

I got to see the cows in the pasture for the first time Saturday night as we returned from the outdoor festival.

Today Craig went with me to Tools for Schools and really enjoyed meeting the other volunteers and getting started working on a project.

What’s the next thing to pressure test a new relationship? How about a car trip to Iowa for a family wedding. We will be gone a week. We will drive by the farm and visit the towns I grew up in and perhaps drive up to Luther College. He will get a good idea of the environment that shaped me.

I look forward to visiting people and places important to Craig. I had the opportunity to have a lovely conversation with one of Craig’s ex-wives They have remained close friends and Craig encouraged me to call her. Their friendship has been an issue for other women he has dated. She also offered to talk to me . I was not really concerned about their friendship, but thought it might be helpful to validate my own observations with someone who had know Craig much longer than I have. We had a lovely 60 minute conversation – some of which was about Craig. We connected as independent, free-spirited women. I particularly appreciated the fact that she took time away from her career as a therapist to be a long-haul 18 wheel driver for a period of time.

While I am sure there will be bumps in our relationship with more time, I am not going to look for other opportunities to pressure test it. I will relax and let the relationship continue to evolve in the easy manner it has thus far.

I am sitting out on the porch which is shaded and there is a nice breeze. I amazed at the sense of comfort I feel in this rural setting. A month ago was the “match” on Match.com. To go from just really wanting to meet a man and have a cup of coffee to now with this overwhelming sense of comfort that is seemingly effortless is hard to get my head around. The part of me that is questioning whether this can possibly be real is getting smaller every day. We simply fit each other.

Today Craig went to Habitat with me – to check out being a Supervisor on Site (SOS). He enjoyed the work and the people and will continue to volunteer. We worked together a bit and I think we will be able to do a lot of projects together without irritating each other too much.

It was HOT today. Our work was indoors out of the sun, but there was little breeze. I think it was the hottest day yet.

This is the view from the porch as I drink a cup of coffee and reflect. Banana bread is baking. The Barbie Movie comes at an interesting time for me. I am finding myself content with cooking/baking for someone – gender stereotypical after decades of living the opposite. I cooked for my family growing up but it was never something I enjoyed. I needed to get the meal on the table at the right time; it was quickly consumed and I was left with the cleanup. While I didn’t find joy in the meal preparation, I didn’t necessarily resent it either. My mom was teaching full-time and going to school in the evenings. Someone needed to do it.

Now I don’t have competing priorities for my time as I did while I was employed and I have an appreciative consumer of my labors who also does the clean up. These add up to a joyful experience.

I have done a bit of reading about the Barbie Movie and I am not sure that provided any more clarity in thoughts on the movie. It was a fun enjoyable movie packed with lots of equity and patriarchy messages. Perhaps this movie will allow a few people to better understand the reality of white male privilege. For women, I think the movie may have different significance based on age.

Barbie was first marketed in March 1959 when I was 3 1/2. I didn’t get my first Barbie until I was 7 or 8. I had 2 or 3 dolls and lots of clothes. I was never very good a pretending so I don’t recall “playing Barbie” as much more than changing their clothes a lot. To me, Barbie was a doll with funny feet that was fun to dress – nothing else. I never considered her shape relevant. I missed entirely the positioning of Barbie as a tool of empowerment of girls.

For me, Twiggy’s arrival on the scene when I was in junior high had far more impact my negative body image.

Perhaps a key message of the movie is: there is no easy way to obtain gender equality, or even define what it means in the context of the unique reproductive functions and the ingrained entitlement that men have had over the ages.

The reason for the movie might have simply been to pose important questions in a highly entertaining way and let the self-reflection and dialogues (hopefully meaningful) begin.

Hopefully most of you understand the reference to The Courtship of Eddie’s Father. I don’t remember much of the details of the show except that it was very sweet. While we have gone to a couple of afternoon movies (Sound of Freedom and Barbie), we had not gone out in the evening until last night. We went to hear Time Jumpers perform at 3rd and Lindsey, a popular music venue away from where all of the out of town party-goers hang out.

The Time Jumpers are a unique experience – “Nashville’s most stellar musicians and vocalists get together on stage and perform whatever it is they are in the mood for? The Time Jumpers’ music is spontaneous and in-the-moment. No two shows are the same, and no audience member leaves without being treated to a weekly event that’s like nothing else in America.” While their core is Western swing, they play jazz and classic country amongst other genre’s. Wendy Molten is the vocalist and she can really stylize a song. A VERY enjoyable evening.

When we got to the venue, it appeared that all of the parking spaces next to the building were taken. As we drove around the corner I noted a truck backing up out of one of the spaces. I did a quick U-turn expecting the spot would be taken by someone else by the time I got there, but luck was with us. We did a “high five” in the car and as we walked to door we found ourselves in a spontaneous hug. We were a little startled when a voice from the sidewalk said something to the effect – “You guys are who I thought my wife and I would be – growing old in love, but we are getting a divorce..” Craig responded “Benn there, man. It sucks.” I felt a little sad that we had caused him pain.

Our first picture together on our official first date!!

Craig is one brave man. Not only did he go see Barbie with me, he is interested and willing to go with me on a car trip to Iowa for a family wedding. in 2 weeks. Too soon????

I came across this on my FB feed the other day and it made me laugh:

It was one month ago today that I indicated that I was interested in Craig on Match.com and he responded on the 26th. Because we took the time to get to know each other so well before we met, it truly doesn’t feel like “this” is moving that fast.

Life id good!!