Tamara Unleashed

Yesterday I went to a law office on the 28th floor of a building in downtown Nashville. I had just rewatched the first episode of Boston Legal over the weekend and the offices total reminded of that show – although with far fewer people running around in the hallways. Walking into the lobby of the building took me back to NYC as Washington does not have any really tall office buildings. Some elevators go to low floors and some to the higher floors. It was a weird mashup of memories. I do miss the banter between Denny and Alan over scotch and cigars.

The visit ended a 18th month journey of getting my grown up legal documents all taken care of. When Covid hit in March 2020, I had nothing done. I immediately went the Rocket Lawyer route and got a will and living will done. It was then recommended that I set up a trust to avoid probate issues upon my death so after doing a bit of research, I got a lawyer in DC to do this remotely during the peak of Covid quarantine. As I got toward the end of the process, they indicated that what I was developing would be good for the state of Maryland but would have to be updated to be consistent with Tennessee laws. The updated documents is what I signed yesterday.

I guess there is some peace of mind associated with having these documents in order. The past 18 months have been a HUGE reminder that no one knows when we are going to die and I feel strongly that there is no reason to make whatever is left of my estate any more complicated than necessary for those left behind.

I feel healthier than I have felt in decades and focusing on my physical and mental health is what I am investing most of my time in now. I am watching way too much TV and my justification for it (it is way too hot and humid) is no longer valid. I have been trying to choose programs and movies that expose me to individuals or groups that are different than I am. I have seen many programs that have tackled issues related to social justice well. I particularly liked the shows Good Trouble and Pose for helping an outsider to LGBTQ community have a much broader framework for understanding the issues they face and hopefully modeling appropriate language for engaging in conversations.

A couple of weeks ago it occurred to me that I am just 13 years away from my mother’s age when she died. WOWZA!! It was a bit sobering and motivating for staying active. I never miss a session with my trainer twice a week and cycle 3-4 x per week which for me is GREAT but I need a new retirement level of exercise. I need to get better at exercising at home – I literally have NO excuses. I have all of the equipment I need but I am not ready to commit to anything else YET.

Over the past several weeks, I have written several posts in my head but did not get out the computer for about 2 weeks. Partly it was because Carli made it impossible. If I sat at a table or desk she jumped in my lap. I would accommodate her and start to type and she would stand on my keyboard. I would sit on the couch so she could lay beside me and she would lay across the keyboard. I was easy to distract with TV and cuddling with her.

We have arrived at this compromise position where she is content and I can work on my computer for extended periods of time.

Carli has been to the vet and is deemed to be healthy except for being a bit heavy. Now that I don’t need to worry about finicky eating, she is eating much better and seems to want to eat all the time. I am not sure how I am going to get her to lose weight since she does not want to get any exercise. We continue to have daily standoffs in the parking lot as I try to get her to go on a very short walk. She sits or lays down and refuses to look at me or respond to any command. I literally have to pick her up or drag her.

Carli has been pretty aggressive with my son’s two dogs and he had to play alpha dog with her last weekend. She did not back down and kept nipping at him. I want to be able to do some traveling with her so I need to learn how to assert my WILL over hers when necessary. She is very treat motivated but I need guidance on how to go about changing some of her behaviors.

The vet recommended a private assessment with a dog behavior specialist and I have one scheduled for early October. The intake form I had to fill out took nearly an hour and they charge $175/hour. This may help me feel a tiny bit better about charging for my own services at some point.

She makes me laugh every day and gets me out of the apartment several times per day – if not for very long. I have no regrets but want to get to a better place with her stubbornness.

NOTE: I wrote this on August 17th and then got distracted and didn’t post it and apparently have not felt like blogging for a month…. I decided to post the old one and will do a catch up blog. I am alive and well.

I woke up early today with a desire to write. Yesterday I spent much of the day on my computer doing things – finding dog obedience class was at the top of my list. Carli is not used to sharing my attention and by evening she decided to voice her opinion. She maneuvered her super soft couch blanket across the keyboard so she could rest her head on it comfortably – a complete “work block”. She seems to be quite smart – just very stubborn about commands like – “Come”

I am in the process of developing and launching a private health advocacy business. I find great joy in helping individuals understand their conditions, communicate more effectively with health care professionals and understand their evaluations and treatment options. I am very good at this and I think I understand how to stay “out of the lane” of practicing medicine. I have been piloting this service with friends and friends of friends for the past year or so and what I provide seems to be helpful. The challenge for me is that to make a business out of it, I have to start charging for my services. This is where I am STUCK!

I have a logo, a website pretty far along in development and I have joined the Alliance of Professional Health Advocates which has very useful information. I have a mental “to do” list – establish a LLC, get liability insurance and create a client consent form from a really solid example. I have some ideas about fee structure but the biggest hurdle will be getting the words out – “my services will cost you money”. During my years of practice, I was always employed by an entity that did the “charging” and I was very comfortable not thinking about the business and just focusing on patient-centered care. I have more processing to do ,,,,,

One of the books that I listened to while on my travel adventure was – Marty Mackary’s “The Price We Pay”. I highly recommend this for anyone interested in getting a better understanding of our current health care system. I had a clear understanding of how broken it was when I left practice in 2002 but I now realize how limited my understanding was.

I keep thinking I am going to feel ready to move forward in some direction but not yet. Another hot and humid week which does not make leaving air conditioning enticing. I did work out with my trainer 3 times this week and my quest for muscular shoulders is starting to be visible – so that is not nothing.

I was able to get Carli in her back pack and do a 5 mile ride with her one morning. I could see her in my mirror and she seemed to be enjoying it. She didn’t feel heavy on my back but it was warm for both of us. We will do longer rides when it is cooler or we get an earlier start.

I made it through a very stressful situation when I was told by the pharmacy that my health care insurance was cancelled. Anyone that knows me well knows that I have made all my job transition decisions being very conscious of having continuous health insurance. Because of the way government works, I did have a 10 day gap between Pfizer and NIH which made me very nervous. I made sure I would be able to continue with my health insurance before I made the decision to retire from the government. So WTF happened? Well after I officially retired, I worked for 2 months as a annuitant (essentially a contractor). I resigned from that on March 31st. the payroll system saw a resignation on March 31st and health insurance is cancelled with resignations. Apparently the system or person did not connect the dots that you can only resign from an annuitant position if you have retired. When I heard cancelled, I went into “surgeon” mode because you don’t get to panic in the operating room. I drove home and sent a urgent email to Retirement Specialist. She contacted the health insurance company and got health insurance reinstated within 24 hours.

Carli continues to challenge me – just when I think I have something figured out, she changes the rules a bit. I found her spontaneously playing with something for the first time. She has shown ZERO interest in any of her borrowed or new toys but one evening she jumped up on my lap with a roll of her poop bags and had a great time knowing on them.

I am nearly finished reading Shondra Rhimes book Year of Yes and I highly recommend it. I think I was drawn to the title because I have been trying to say Yes to any opportunity that comes along. Her commitment to YES was much bigger and I hope I can use some of her experience to help me move forward.

Saying yes today got me to Cheekwood Estate and Gardens in Bell Meade (west of Nashville). Throughout the mansion and grounds there are art exhibits. Today I saw brightly colored lego animals of all sorts, crayon animal sculptures and a fascinating exhibit of William Edmundson limestone sculptures of tombstones and yard art. Mr. Edmondson was the first black person to have an exhibit in MOMA in 1937. He was called to sculpting during the depression after he lost his job as a janitor here in Nashville. Our visit was cut short by a thunderstorm which also rained out Sunday night cycling.

Much of my current social life is being provided by a young man I met on my first night of Wednesday night cycling. Danny is an extrovert; has 3 young kids and loves inviting people to do things with him and his kids. Last week was kayaking and this week was the gardens.

Tonight I finally opened my computer to do some work I promised to do and this is how Carli reacted:

She is now sleeping beside me and I am ready to join her.

It is now Wednesday and I have done little of the tasks I thought I would get done on Monday – hopefully today. Carlie is not a motivator – it is just too easy to want to cuddle with her “to make sure she feels secure”. Last week I had 6 days of physical activity in a row between my personal training, cycling and a day of kayaking. The weather was tolerable. This week we are back to prohibitive heat and humidity – even Carli does not want to go out.

I did meet my big goal for last week – getting Carli in her backpack by myself and taking her on my bike for a short ride. It is too hot this week to take her on a longer ride – for both of us. We will spend a lot of time on neighborhood rides that can easily cut short until I am sure she enjoys or is at least content with the experience.

I am not really feeling the loss of work in my life although I know if the right thing came forward, I could easily commit to it and get right back into a job – hopefully with a much better work-life balance.

I am pretty far along in the development of a private health advocacy “business”. I have business is quotes because in order for it to be a business I have to be willing to charge people for my services. This is one activity that I know brings me great joy and brings value to others.

My community building activities here are limited to outdoor activities and it will have to stay that way for awhile. I went kayaking with a person I met cycling and his two young sons (10 and 5 years of age). It was fun to engage with the kids. The 5 year old was a real trooper and the 10 year old was really curious about history.

The adventure continues……

My 14 hours of driving for the Amishland and Lakes Cycling Tour was well worth it. The temperature was indeed in the 70’s with blue skies. I rode 50 miles on Saturday and 40 miles on Sunday. The Sunday route had some challenging hills and I used all of the techniques I have been practicing over the summer to conquer two hills that I know I would not have been able to do earlier this year. I think this might be a good location to attempt 100 miles next year. Something to work towards.

It was like going back more than an 100 years. Saturday the roads were as busy with horse and buggies as cars. Sunday I did not see any of the Amish people outdoors at all. The landscape is much clearer without all the wires running to the homes.

Sweet Carli had good time “in the country” with her co-parents. She seemed to be more active with them – even curious about a couple of toys. She even showed off her howl. She loved their dog bed and super soft blanket. I got her a dog bed and supersoft blanket which she slept in on the way home. She has not really used the bed here yet but we both love the superset blanket.

After cycling this weekend with women I met as a part of the my Natchez Trace cycling adventure in 2018 (444 miles in 9 days), I decided to drive the Trace Parkway from west of Columbia (where Carlia was staying) to Nashville. I had not realized how far west of Columbia the Parkway was. I knew the speed limit was 50 mph which is why it is so awesome for cycling – very few cars use it. The one hour trip took nearly 2.5 hours via the Trace Parkway. It was a beautiful drive and I was amazed how hilly the route was. I am a much stronger cyclist now and am surprised that I was able to do that trip 3 years ago. It was clearly the power of determination and the encouragement of the wonderful group that made it possible. The group of 17 people on the trip were all retired and older than I was. The average age was 72 years. The oldest cyclist was 80. The trip was transformative for me. I got a glimpse of healthy aging and happy retirement. It for sure made me less fearful that I would not know what to do with myself.

I have had more energy for engaging my brain this week and am trying to do one productive thing a day. I had hoped to blog from my porch this morning because the weather has been nice this week. I swept the cobwebs and leaves yesterday and thought Carli would like hanging out there while I worked on my computer and drank coffee. It turned out that she only wanted to be out there on my lap. Given the solid walls of the porch, she cannot see anything. Hopefully she will enjoy it off of my lap over time.

Carli redeemed herself this afternoon by getting in her backpack and going for a short walk without getting restless or being disturbed by passing cars. It took my son diverting her attention with treats to get her into the backpack so I think it will be awhile yet before I am able to get her into it myself and then try cycling with her in the backpack. Something to keep me challenges.

All things considered, I am content with my progress.

I just had an impromptu Thai dinner with my son after dropping Carli off with the couple that wants to be part of the Carli “care taking community”. I have used the past 2 weeks of getting to know and love Carli as cover for my desire to not interact too much with the world. I have acclimatized reasonably well to the heat/humidity over the past month. – enough that I chose to walk the half mile to dinner rather than drive. SCORE

On the drive to drop Carli off, I learned that I need to get her a car seat. She really wants to see what is going on. When I would not let her into my lap, she resorted to this position. While it looks like she was leaning against me, she was really just slumped across the console. She spent part of the tie with her front legs extended so she could see,

By the time I had driven the hour back home, Carli was happy as a clam next to her second mother.

Over the past week, getting her to eat and walk has taken some of my problem solving skills. It is clear she has been trained but she didn’t come with instruction sheet. She ate her dry food fine the first week, but then started eating only once a day later and later in the day (11 PM). She now likes her dry food softener with water. I put water over it and she checks it periodically until it is to her liking when she will eat it right down. She does not walk well on a leash but walks quite well off leash. So far she has not been tempted to run off leash. We have come across a couple of cats and she has ignored them. Off leash, she will still occasionally sit and refuse to walk but much less often than when she is on the leash. When she does not walk with me or respond to cues, I just walk away and when I get far enough away she will come. We definitely will do some doggie training soon, but for now I think we are in a good place.

The reason I needed to drop Carli off is because I have an impromptu cycling trip this weekend in LaGrange IN with a group from Ohio. One person who registered is not able to ride so all I need to do is show up. It is more than a 6 hour drive for 2 days of riding. While it initially seemed CRAZY, when I saw the temperature there is going to be 10-15 degrees cooler than here and it will be a beautiful ride through farmland which is so grounding for me, I decided it was necessary. I had my car serviced this week so I am all ready to go.

Last Sunday evening I went to a live music venue for the first time. My son was drumming for a singer, Hannah Bethel. It was a nice venue, good music and spectacular drumming. It had been so long since I had dressed for an social event that I found it hysterical when after the show and I looked down and noticed the tags from my top were on the outside. I just had to take a photo as I was looking down at my side.

I braved the heat last night and cycled 14 miles with the Nashville Slow Riders. The “feels like” temperature was 100 degrees at 6 PM when we left. It was a new route which was good but I was glad when it was over. My face was still red several hours later. Next week the temperatures are supposed to be in the high 80’s so it will be more normal riding. I am enjoying this Wednesday night cycling group.

I am really excited about getting in the car for another road trip. Hopefully when I return I will be ready to do more community building beyond cycling. I have some leads on organizations to follow up on.

The adventure continues.

We are well – and spending the time to bond. Carli has been the perfect excuse to continue to chill and very gradually catch up on adult things that accumulated while I was traveling. Still not done yet. I am make NO progress on figuring out anything moving forward – but then I am not really trying.

Yesterday I took some pics of me trying to walk Carli. These are her 3 poses for ‘not interested in walking:

It is easier to move her along with her new purple harness. I have tried rewarding with treats but each treat gets us only 3-4 feet.Today she actually sniffed and explored without being coaxed too much. Her eating is a bit erratic. Last night she noticed our shadows while walking and was startled by them. Tonight she discovered she could go under the bed for the first time. We had a play date earlier in the week with Brady and Cinnamon my 2 grand dogs and that went well enough. We had both outdoor and indoor time and she even got to a bit of playfulness.

I went biking again last night with the Nashville Slow Riders – a bit larger group and longer ride than last week. It is a nice group of people.

I met a woman last night who invited me to ride with the Nashville Black Girls Do Bike group tonight. It was a smaller group with a similar route as previous night. I am getting more familiar with the cycling routes in north and East Nashville which is good. I am just going to have to get used to the idea that I am going to have to drive to places to cycle. It appears that I can find different groups to ride with most days of the week once I sort it all out. It is fun to be meeting people.

I had the preliminary visit from the cabinet guy for the kitchen renovation this week as well so some progress is being made.

As crazy as Monday was with feeling of craziness, yesterday was the opposite. I wrote a check for the deposit on my kitchen renovation, I adopted Carli, a 4 y/o 8.5 pound sweetheart. To top the day off I had a great bike ride with the Nashville Slow Ride group and may have identified a partner who is interested in doing longer day rides on the Natchez Trace.

The choice of Carli was pretty obvious from the beginning. She was much more interested in people than Dobie was. She was eager to be held and not fearful of Brady. It was a fun family outing – getting the dog, the trip to Petco and getting training tips from my son. We worked on enticing her into her kennel and that went pretty smoothly. I put her into the kennel when I went to do my bike ride. She went in easily. I was curious to see what the would be like when I got home. When I opened the door, she came jumping off of the sofa. There are 2 options – she is Houdini and figured out how to get out or I did not get the door latched completely. I am betting on the latter. I found no surprises.

I was so exhausted at end of day that I decided to let her choose her sleeping place. She chose the bed. I put a soft blanket on top which she liked for a while and then she found her way under the covers. I am going to have her sleep in her kennel tonight as I did not wake up feeling all that rested.

We had a very quiet day. She is not really interested in taking actual walks. She goes outside and pees right away and then plants her legs and does not want to move. I found stool on the rug twice today – unobserved so we will have to work on taking longer walks without me having to drag her.

She is eating well. She brings a her food to the adjacent carpet where she drops it and eats some of it. In observing her today I realized she is picking out the food that she likes. They gave me the food that she was eating and advised to mix it with whatever food I wanted her to eat moving forward. I picked a salmon and sweet potato formula and she apparently prefers the new food. When she puts the food not he carpet, she picks out the new food to eat it first.

She is going to need to learn manners when I eat. She is very interested in my food. She also has some interested “digging” activity indoors. All in all, I think all is going well with us getting used to each other. No regrets.

Yesterday was one of the strangest days of my new life. I spent the weekend vegetating and felt like I needed to start making up for it. I finished going through my mail and identified all of the “adulting” things I needed to do; did the one thing of highest priority and after having a few conversations with friends decided to explore some new things. I found a bartending course I could take in Nashville and found a couple of hands on courses I could take to become a bicycle mechanic. I got the updated cost estimate for my kitchen renovation which I desperately want to get completed so I can finish getting settled in my home. I went over to my son’s to talk through all that was going on in my head and felt better grounded.

Over the weekend I got presented with an opportunity to join some friends for a week or so in St. Remy in southern France in September. I am trying to say yes to all interesting opportunities. It would be a beautiful place to cycle. I would think France’s new vaccination requirements should make it even safer in 2 months – probably safer than here.

Today I had a conversation with an individual who identifies consultant roles for Pharma companies and this may provide an opportunity to support my fun, use my brain and provide some structure to my life while things continue to reveal themselves.

Tomorrow we are going to meet two dogs and I may adopt one of them. This is a family meeting – my son, daughter-in-law and their two dogs. We are all excited. I miss having a dog to walk and don’t enjoy walking myself very much.

The Wednesday night group bike ride I was hoping to do last week didn’t work because of rain. It is not supposed to rain tomorrow. I am desperate to meet some cyclists here. I drove some street routes yesterday suggested on Google Maps and didn’t think any of them seemed very safe. I need some inside information!!!